If My Friends Were Power Rangers...

In the latest episode of this unread blog, I've decided to take a trip down memory lane. The other day while channel surfing, I noticed that they are still making fucking power rangers. That's almost 20 years of that shit! Not to mention the latest big thing on Netflix is you can watch all the old shitty episodes from when you were 5. An yes of course I gave them a look....God.... kids are so stupid. Anywho, I got to thinking, if my friends were power rangers, who would be who??? Yea man this should be interesting. But to get you in the mood, here is that jam that more or less defined the early 90's for me and many other kids................






So let me start off by saying that I'm basing this off of the original. None of these half-assed remakes that could only hope to capture the crappy magic that transfixed youths across the country. And yes, I'm including the green ranger because I have always prefered him over the white. Also, I'm not including myself because I just don't know where I would go. So lets get rolling.


Red Ranger - So we start with the leader of the power rangers. Always one to take charge in times of doubt and lead the team to victory. Kind of the dad of the group....yup red is Dustin. I mean I guess Cal kind of looks like a T-Rex right?

Black Ranger - Robby.......do I really have to go into detail here? Hes got that Mastodon on swolllllllllllll.

Blue Ranger - well the tech guy of the team who was often left behind to do science shit with Zordon has to be no other than Cooper. This is as much of a layup as Robby as the black ranger. Also the blue ranger is very uncoordinated....

Yellow Ranger - so I'm not gonna put any girls in here just because I cant make as many funny connections. So, taking the role of the Asian is Mark where he is the closest thing to an Asian that I know. Hes all quick and ninja like. Plus he plays a lot of computer games....

Pink Ranger - Once again no girls, and where Robby already walked away with black, Pink is gonna go to Evan as the most fashion savvy person I know. Also, he enjoys salmon and rice a little too much.

Green Ranger - So this was a tough call, but in the end I had to go with none other than Tom. The reason being is the green ranger was always one to blaze his own path, very similar to our good friend here. Also, he is the only one with a direct name match to the actual character, so it was pretty much a given.

Well well well, we have our rangers. But the show wouldn't be complete without the loveable cast of side characters and villains.....so lets get cracking on those shall we?


Bulk and Skull - So this one I had to get a little creative on. Perm will take the roll of Bulk.....yea not a huge stretch there, but the main reason this pick was made was due to their ambition. Both Perm and Bulk have been know to try to develop crazy plots and schemes, only to come up short handed. Skull will be played by Ryan McGraw. Both of them are just there for the ride and enjoy the good time......and being really loud.





Zordon - Ahhhhh yes the tube-restrained leader of the power rangers. Always there to randomly give them some new, bad-ass weapons or Zord to conveniently beat the bad guys. The mother henn of the bunch...always baking goodies...spends alot of team helping the blue ranger with projects...hmmmmm...yup Zordon is Marie Mattera. But Zordon our powers are fine, we like our comand center! Nope! I bought this one on sale at a flee market!



Alpha 5 - So I'm sure you all remember this little fella. Always doing all of Zordon's work, just flailing his arms all over the joint. Panicking like a little bitch. Well if Zordon is Marie, then Alpha has to be Steve. And actually, the two have very similar mannerisms. Have you ever seen this dude in Maine? Just running all over the place fixing shit that isn't even broke..flailing...





Rita - So lets crank out some villains. I know I said no girls, but I'm sorry, this one has to be Wez. They both have very, very distinct pitches to their voice. Also, I'm pretty sure Wez was found in a giant cylinder that came from the moon.






Lord Zed - So this dude more or less looks like a giant human muscle. Hes not the brightest and I'm pretty sure he pees in a cup.....so this is easily Seth. Its not that big of a stretch. Just leave Seth in the sun for a few hours and he'll get a sunburn leaving him a very similar color.






Goldar - So here we have the loyal henchman of Rita and Zed. Hes pretty much the dude who got cut from the Wizard of OZ and the Planet of the Apes back in the day and somehow latched on to this show. When he talks he makes a lot of wierd moans and graons...sounds that have only been mimicked by none other than Jason "boom baby" Belisito while taking a crap. You'd think the kid was being choked. So there it is. Jay = monkey man.



So there you have it folks. If power rangers is ever thinking of making a comeback then I've got the perfect cast lined up for them. Maybe that can finally kill the show off.............